By Don Simpson | July 12, 2012
Director: Adam Sherman
Writers: Adam Sherman, Dave Reeves, Rachel Hardisty
Starring: Lukas Haas, Madeline Zima, Jake Busey, Tania Raymonde, Regine Nehy, Moran Atias, Ned Bellamy, Valerie Mahaffey, Ray Wise
One of my least favorite character types in the history of cinema is the ridiculously rich, alcoholic, Hollywood playboy. You know the type: the pretty boy who never works, drinks 24 hours a day and can get any woman he wants at any time he wants. He preys on women who want his money, all the while complaining that women only like him for his money.
In the case of Adam Sherman’s Crazy Eyes, Zach (Lukas Haas) — despite being a rich asshole with no feelings — can have any woman…well, except for the one flirtatious tease for whom he embarrassingly pines. He dubs her Crazy Eyes, but her real name is Rebecca (Madeline Zima). Zach drunkenly and clumsily attempts to have sex with Crazy Eyes over and over and over and over and over and over again. The same exact thing happens every night. Zach purposefully gets Crazy Eyes pass-out drunk; he throws her near-naked body down in bed and she suddenly becomes conscious enough to make him stop. (“Even Jesus drank wine with a hooker he didn’t have sex with.”) If we have one thing to root for during Crazy Eyes, it is that Crazy Eyes will continue to shoot Zach down. (Zach’s single redeeming quality is that he never rapes her.) C’mon Crazy Eyes, I surely hope you can hold out for better than this loser.
While all of the male characters are misogynistic pricks who never come anywhere close to sobriety, the women of Crazy Eyes are much worse off. There are essentially three types of women in Sherman’s film: dick-teases, money-grubbing whores and psychotic stalkers. So, it comes as absolutely no surprise that Zach has no respect for any of the women in this film. Why should he? The female characters certainly do not give Zach any reason to change his condescending attitude towards them. If anything, they prove that Zach is correct in thinking that they are lesser than him.
I was actually really looking forward to Crazy Eyes because I saw a lot of potential in Sherman’s direction of Happiness Runs. But even if I could get beyond its horrendous portrayal of women, I definitely cannot overlook the laughably pseudo-beatnik, existential mumbo-jumbo that Lukas Haas spews during his voiceovers (inner monologues?) that seem to kick in whenever his character drives drunkenly through the blurred streetlights of Los Angeles. Let’s just say that these Kerouac-lite ramblings make Ethan Hawke’s poetry sound profound.